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[Nov. 26th, 2011|06:40 pm] |
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I can't believe I'm starving on Thanksgiving. Such sacrilege. |
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[Nov. 25th, 2011|12:35 am] |
The past few weeks have been good and this one has begun exceptionally well. I hate to admit this, but fortune cookies can be correct sometimes. My last one read: "You will receive unexpected support during the next week. Accept it graciously."
Accept it I did, but goddamn, it was so especially unexpected that I didn't know whether to hit my knees in solemn gratitude or try brushing off the sweetness. If I could measure the sweetness I've recieved from the people I've been around these past few weeks, I'd be a diabetic. Its no surprise that I've been eating a lot of candy lately. Perhaps thats just an outgrowth of my relations these days.
I'd better balance it out with some depressing shit so that I won't lose humility in the face of all this.
I haven't dreamt, though. Even as I'm not such a frequent dreamer, I still think its an odd pattern considering the fact that things seemed quite vital in my dream life since around the end of this summer up until about one or two weeks ago. I'm not saying that I should be experiencing astral projection every evening, but I haven't been given any symbol work. Its bothersome; like someone removed the symbals from my drum kit. What to do...
Nothing, I guess. Maybe I'll go try finding a job so that I'll start having traumatic nightmares every evening coupled with profuse sweating and relentless diarrhea.
On a highly related note, I have to keep this entry short, but I just want to say that I'm really happy with things as they stand, albeit a few things are still twisted and prone to drama on my part. I'm trying to keep all that under wraps, so I'm going to try taking it easy tonight with the over-thinking and rest easy. |
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[Nov. 23rd, 2011|09:47 pm] |
"Its like I was taking a shower and someone pulled back the curtain!"
:] |
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[Nov. 21st, 2011|03:35 am] |
"Candy...
What eez a deek?" |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2011|01:49 am] |
Ronna and Tony came over earlier and we started talking about the trip to D.C.. I asked for one day to think about it because I wasn't certain whether or not I'm willing at this point. In all honesty, something is quite off about it. I don't know what it is, but its my gut instinct suddenly to just cancel the entire thing. One the other hand, I don't want to ruin an opportunity for those two to go on a vacation and I also want to see my grandmother very very much. Honestly, if I do go, I'll just spend all my time with her. I don't really care about the city and all that other gay shit, although i won't confine myself to the house the entire time.
Now that I think of it, I really should go see her. I could spend time with her, practice Farsi, eat well, enjoy her company, make her laugh, and everything. Its my grandmother.
I guess its settled, then. It doesn't even seem like an "idea" so much as a deep desire/willingness. Even if Ronna and Tony are so busy blowing all their cash on stupid shit, I don't really care if I'm perceived as "boring" or whatever the fuck, simply because I'd rather see my grandmother instead of posture at a bunch of downtown bars. Fuck that.
To be perfectly honest, I'd much rather fly there and use their cars/rent a car. Who cares. Its a 13 hour drive I've been on too many times now. If I'm over-ruled, then I guess I'll have to drive with those morans.
Blaaah - I still need to think about it, though...goddamnit. |
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[Nov. 16th, 2011|11:26 pm] |
Mood swings galore, but I only blame the pizza I ate last night along with the weather. Theres also the drastic change of sleep schedule, so...yeah, there's a bunch of different possibilities.
I'll have to wake up at the same time tomorrow for the dentist appointment at 9:30. I find it odd that I haven't experienced any pain for such an awful case of a cavity pinching nerves directly connected to my sinus area behind the left side of my face. Nothing. I didn't even have to take ibuprofin for it. I'm sure I can brag all about it tomorrow when I go into the office and he's standing there smiling with his drill, "Oh, really? Sit right down, then..."
I hope I'm not too worn. I do want to try playing music again tomorrow whatever the case. |
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| never fails to annoy the piss out of me |
[Nov. 16th, 2011|11:04 am] |
Every time I go to school and I'm bent on finding entry into some program that might land me a decent paying job, I'm reminded of just why so many people would prefer to be Aragorn from Lord of the Rings at Audubon Park every Sunday afternoon than to waste their time doing what I'm trying to do.
I've realized this much: school won't guarantee shit. It basically continues to function by doing that. Everyone over there demands straight answers, but no one wants to hear them. If not that, then they don't even know what the fuck they're bickering about in the first place, which would lead anyone to think that there's something severely fucked up about the people riddling the hallways at that place.
And, yet, just as I feel this way about that institution, I have no choice but to deal with it since every well paying job is structured in a way similar to what it was like in school, minus the extra classes. In other words, its specialization with no clarity whatsoever. And I'll continue to wonder if I'm really the one who's to blame for becoming so cynical in response to the people I interact with over there, solely because of this ONE tendency I've never been able to identify, but have always grown impatient with.
Like I said, I wonder if there even is a difference between those people wielding plastic swords at Audubon and the majority of the faculty/student body.
I guess the only difference is that their weapon of choice is a limp wrist. |
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[Nov. 15th, 2011|01:59 pm] |
Not sure what I'll do throughout my day, but I've got plenty of time. It is, of course, Sunday and early on tomorrow I'll have to meet with someone. The very next day I'm going back to the dentist to get my root canal finished. Overall, its not going to be a great start to my week.
With all this space in here, I don't feel the urge to just leave for no reason, but I do still get bored, especially when I'm waiting for the night time since that's the only time to hang out.
Blake sent me a text message saying that I was either on my period or that I was molting. Of course, its nothing like that...
I spent most of last night thinking about a dream I had some weeks back. It was quite significant to me in relation to how I felt the other night. I'm guessing these coincidences aren't moving in any sequential sort of order.
I'd do well to stop expecting that out of them. |
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[Nov. 12th, 2011|11:23 pm] |
Theres not much to say except that it was a good night. I think most people had a good day overall. My dad's back is getting better, too.
I even ate three times.
--
Atavism: (Origin)
1825–35; < L atav(us) remote ancestor (at-, akin to atta familiar name for a grandfather + avus grandfather, forefather)
Neat.
-- |
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[Nov. 12th, 2011|01:12 am] |
Thoughts are brooding again.
I think, though, that the people who get like this, whether its verbal or mental, are really trying hard to correct, learn, perceive, see, or whatever. Overall, a person is just trying to live, that's it.
For my own part, I just like to solve problems - many people are like this, I think. It doesn't even really matter so much whether they are my problems or someone elses'. Its almost instinctual, but I won't say much beyond that.
So, the person, place, or thing isn't the problem. Who could raise their middle finger at nature and not feel like a total fool? It isn't the act of raising the finger, but the fact that nature is being blamed. If you can't understand something, it never helps to blame it. To me, blaming is the surest, premeire aspect of being egotistical.
It implies that "I" am completely free of blame even though I was present to feel this negativity. If you flip the idea around, its just as retarded: "I" am always to blame.
Some feelings have absolutely no dialogue except total destruction. Theres nothing beautiful about destruction unless something terrible has been put down or eradicated. Then again, the only reason one would find something terrible is if they believe they have a correct understanding of what is wonderful.
Sometimes, there's just nothing you can do except be there and just listen. My question has been, for quite some time now, how to listen/be quiet with the mind.
Practical aspects creep in and I wonder what I may be able to achieve with an understanding of something once I do hear or see something valuable with the mind. My question is thus twofold: how do I listen/receive with the mind and what do I do with it?
The second part is easy: do something good. Every human knows intrinsically the difference - even children. They know when something is bad, but they appear to be without any moral understanding simply because their interaction with the environment is hindered by their lack of physical development. Adults seem to think that they have a fine understanding of morals simply because their bodies have developed to their fullest extent, but this doesn't necessarily imply that someone does have a true understanding of what is good, right, and ultimately to the benefit of everyone.
There are infinite ways things can go wrong and infinite ways that one good act could neglect and produce envy from the multitudes, whatever they may be within a given context (people, animals, or aliens, etc.).
I need to practice understanding within a context - to be present, in other words. I have to keep meditating and thinking about things.
At the same time, though, I have to fucking go off every once in a while, like I did just now with this long-winded regurgitation of everything Buddhist/Taoist that I've read throughout the past 5 or 6 years. It feels good to put things into perspective, though. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2011|12:02 am] |
I'd planned on going back to the university today, but never made it because of some obstacles. Early on, my day was pretty shot, although I did try and get a little active around noon. That wasn't really the greatest experience, though. My left wrist is in pretty bad shape, leaving me to guess that years of guitar playing have begun to take a serious toll. I was under the impression for some time that drumming really reduced the tension or what have you, but that's not really the case, i don't think.
Later on, I was on summer ave., stopped at a red light, and blaring Napalm Death. I wasn't really thinking about that last bit until I heard some laughter from the car beside me. I immediately thought that there was a group of teenage black girls laughing at me. I ignored it for a second, but finally looked over and saw this little boy eating an ice cream cone and nodding his head along to the blasting. His little sister was sitting there staring blankly. I finally turned down the music and said, "You guys like this music?" I think the little boy kept nodding. The driver, his mom, looked over for a second and went back to her business. Kind of funny, I thought.
The only thing I could say about that experience is that it put me in the mood for ice cream, but I unfortunately never got around to it.
I got a call from Chris and went out for dinner with him. I'd been thinking about Matt's dream of me driving like a lunatic down Germantown parkway, but I can't exactly say whether I think it was tied to what Chris and I talked about tonight. I guess I had a feeling that it was, but I couldn't really verify it except for when Chris and I were turning onto the Germantown Parkway from Stage as we went around in circles, talking about sociological stuff/gender differences. Chris ended our conversation by presenting some strange theory he'd come up with about how gender is basically a continuum as there is no scientific evidence to show a rigid, biological adherence to the idea that there are two opposite sexes. In other words, he said that the existence of intersexual individuals who were born with both male and female organs, especially genitalia, were the evidence that there is no strict, binary idea of "sex" - meaning no male and no female.
I wasn't really sure how I felt about the whole thing, but I asked a lot of questions. I recall I was a bit nervous to hang out with him, thinking it had been quite some time. I'm always afraid that changes may manifest themselves too clearly and bring out some bad quality I've always tried to conceal, but I don't think that was the case. I thought the entire experience of talking with him was interesting for the sheer fact that I had a really long discussion about some things slightly related to what I'd talked about with Cristian when we'd hung out last Wednesday. Between then and now, some ideas really have emerged, I think.
Its altogether weird, but I'm a little too tired tonight. I didn't sleep much because I woke up earlier to schedule an appointment, which I thereafter found wasn't possible until this Thursday.
ahhh - damn it to san francisco |
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| Pema karpo visits... |
[Nov. 8th, 2011|02:53 am] |
I realized tonight that I've been writing at a neurotic rate lately. It hasn't helped much, but I've gotten a lot of my problems down on paper. I'm not really looking for patterns so much as I'm venting about a bunch of shit that's happened over the last two weeks, but I'm hoping to end that tonight. Its not affording me any sort of understanding in all this.
For one thing, I've felt disconnected from everyone at Pema Karpo since all this came up. I suppose I wasn't to begin with, but things seemed like they were going quite well for some time. Nonetheless, I went down there tonight and meditated. I was sort of surprised to see all the mats laid out, but I just chose one and sat there for a while, feeling decent afterwards. Even so, I mostly went up there to see people, but the only person present was Mr. Cam.
I've been trying to make some sense out of this, but the entire thing reminds me too much of what happened at school in 2004. It was just like one minute I was sitting there, perfectly ok, but suddenly something set me off and I had to leave just because. Its not an issue to go back there or even be around the people in attendance, but I've felt especially disconnected from Matt and Vangi, which bothers the shit out of me. I hate addressing you guys like this, but I can't get a hold of Matt and I don't know how to put words to a problem thats so discreet; this is just an easy way to communicate this issue. I wanted to talk to you guys about it all, but I've tried keeping and holding it in too much thanks to my own shame. Its basically all because I've been a bit too embarassed to say anything, especially to Matt.
I'm a homosexual. I know its hard to believe, but all those mosh pits I entered weren't strictly "about the music" if you catch my drift. I never wore underwear while I attended metal concerts and after maybe 7 years of this activity, the urge the remove the layers of clothing present between me and a sweaty, long-haird man became too great.
Anyway, I'm going to try to stop thinking so much about what happened that night and just leave it alone for a while. Essentially, it was just like 2004, so this is nothing entirely new. The unusual thing is that its still there to some extent and why it happened at Pema Karpo was what really confused me. I'll drop back in to Pema Karpo soon and hang out with you guys again. Maybe tomorrow. Nothing else to do at the moment.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2011|07:33 pm] |
Its pretty weird to get finished with a good drum practice and suddenly hear a parade with marching drums going on a few blocks away.
I'm sure my neighbors are all holding guns to their heads at this point. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2011|10:45 pm] |
It definitely hasn't been a bad day, but I wish that I'd spent more time behind my drum kit. I'll probably do more tomorrow, but I also want to attend the meditation since I haven't been doing it as much recently. I think the reason is probably because I haven't been to pema karpo as often. Oddly enough, when I went there on Monday night I felt really good after a short sitting. That activity is really invaluable when it comes right down to it, so I can't let the circumstances break me away from its benefits. ..can't stop trying.
I need to gaurd against this self-righteousness trap I often fall into. Meditation is a good way to do that. On the other hand, it gets rather difficult when I start feeling really weakened for no reason I can pinpoint. Right now, I imagine the medication I'm on has something to do with these feelings, but if it continues to no end, then i'll probably start worrying.
I thought today might be pretty fun, but it was sort of boring in the end. I felt this overall humorlessness about me. Without blaming anything, all I can say is that it was irritating. I hate it when it happens and I never know what the cause really is - or if its even me to begin with. Sometimes the situation just sucks and theres no escape. I had a lot of tension in my neck, too. Sucks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2011|01:21 pm] |
I was told that my root canal was very bad, so I was given two types of medication and a follow up in two weeks - which is too much for me. I want this shit over with, but its not going to be that way. This month will most likely be fucked over by visits to my most loathed place ever. Its not the people, dentists, or even the procedure. Its the fact that I have to actually have it done that pisses me off more than anything. I can deal with all the bullshit, but its one of the worst experiences ever because I have to mark days off of the calendar. I hate doing that more than anything. Nothing will make a person feel more tied down and burdened than knowing something about the experiences of the following day.
We just aren't meant to know the future, but at the same time, we have to do it in order to not lose to the elements. What a fucking burden.
...this is just the pain speaking. They didn't gas me during the procedure and I had trouble hiding my curiosity the entire time. The drills and stuff didn't bother me, but whenever I got a wet feeling in my mouth coming from that particular tooth, I got sort of weirded out. I kept thinking that they were doing something squeemish, but I couldn't know what - they wouldn't have told me anyway.
In fact, the only thing he did tell me was to eat Kabob. I'm guessing spaghetti will do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2011|08:21 am] |
I'm not sure whether I'm in a bad mood or a good one. I guess I'm trying to gauge a bit too much. I woke up a lot earlier than I had to, but I couldnt get back to sleep because I was too cold to move around in bed. The entire thing seemed frozen.
I woke up thinking about whether I've just been fooling myself or something. Why have I spent so much time in my thoughts when others are actually living, imperfections and all. I'm just sitting still all the time and if not that, driving in circles.
I don't know what to do with myself except to just start working toward a simple job and nothing else. It seems like that's all I can really look forward to, but even when it comes to that, people don't really have many positive things to say. So, why talk about, I guess...
All this on such a cold morning will really screw with you, especially when the only thing you can look forward to in the day is a root canal. Hahah.
But at least the painful part will be out of the way and then I can just pass out early. I can't even really pinpoint anything except the pain in my tooth and my overall coldness. I'm not really feeling like anything is worth a shit at this point.
It seems like according to the state of absolutely everything else, the things that make me happy are all a bunch of stupid fantasies while the things that piss me off, keep me miserable, are the only things worth pursuing to some end - at least, since they're the most readily available. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2011|12:32 am] |
Cristian took his permit test today and passed. Overall, the day was fun. We also got a chance to hear Lily Afshar play two Persian songs on the guitar. They were really really...amazing. I couldn't believe the shit she did on that guitar. Blown away. She did this one trick that I thought was incredible. It was sort of like messing with the dynamics by lightly muting the strings while still playing at tremelo pacing. It created this sort of ambient fuzz, but it was a totally organic sort of sound - nothing electric. I was too impressed. I kept gasping.
It was an interesting event for sure. As soon as we got there, we ran into Arthur Hart. He was totally plastered. Hahah. It was interesting, though, because he's Romanian, just like Cristian. They'd apparently met at some point. Cristian told me that Arthur speaks perfectly, which is pretty impressive since the guy moved here when he was so young. Arthur was really fucked up, but he said, "Hey! I've been worried about you - How've you been?" I told him I'd been well. Later on, Cristian and I were outside while I was doing my lung-scalding routine and I caught sight of Kaveh Safa walking up to the theatre door. He told me he'd listened to my Erethe cd not long ago. I got sort of embarassed, remembering how my vocals had been on that album. Of course, there was no reason for that with him, but before he left me he told me that his office had been moved to the 3rd floor in case i wanted to drop in and hang out with him. I think I'll do that soon.
Sometime yesterday or the day before I'd been thinking that i'd run into Tasha and, not surprisingly, I did. I called out to her and ran up to chat with her for a second. I finally asked her out, but her response wasn't so great. Whatever. She took my number down, though. Right after she'd done so, I thought "this girl probably doesn't even remember my name." That sort of helped me realize that I'd still never get a call from her. Ah...well..
What can I say? I'm the shit when it comes to going after girls that don't want me. I suppose that she knows best and probably is doing me a favor by blowing me off, unless I just really do suck, which I certainly hope isn't the case. Either way, I'm glad I tried.
I wonder why I always run into her whenever I start thinking that I might, though. The chances that it would happen seemed sort of slim, but it still occurred and everything. Last time I saw her wasn't exactly a coincidence because I was at her place of work, but I suppose the same can be said about school - that is where she goes to school, so its only to be expected. At the same time, though, that place is much bigger than the Starbucks she works at. Plus, there's more people in attendance, all with a desire/purpose/whatever - no matter who they are, so the place is much like running into someone at a giant festival.
Now that I think back on it, I enjoyed seeing and talking to her after some time. I told her that I'd gone to her Starbucks with my sister and that I'd seen her, but didn't say hello - i apologized for that, but she apparently hadn't seen me. I think Ronna was blocking me anyway. She was saying that she'd been bogged down and busy with a lot school stuff lately - mostly chemistry. She said she was minoring in it. Hard shit. Even though she said she was stressed lately, she looked really good, i thought. Her eyes are really beautiful and she's really sweet overall. She seemed like she'd lost some weight, though. That usually happens to me when I get stressed, but i dont know what was going on with her. After she'd told me that Nasho had taken the semester off, I asked her why she hadnt done the same, but i cant recall her response really. I think she might have just brushed it off or whatever. When I asked her if she wanted to get together some time, she just said, "Ohh, not now, I'm way too busy with all this stuff..." I just kind of smiled and said ok, trying not to make a big deal out of it. She still took my number, though, which i thought was pretty useless seeing as she wont be calling me, but whatever. Not like she would even know who to ask for if she did.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2011|01:41 pm] |
I'm visiting a specialist today about this terrible cavity I have - in about one hour, to be exact. Even though I could think of a million things I'd rather be doing, I am sort of determined to have this problem taken care of. I'm just not thrilled in the least and can't see past the actual work they'll be doing to really understand that I'll be better afterwards, probably a lot better. Who knows how this cavity has been affecting my moods, system, and so on. The problem is that there are multiple visits involved and I absolutely can not stand that. I suppose that just illustrates how big a deal this is, but I just wish that I could get it finished in one visit. That plus the antibiotics just makes this too gay to handle mentally.
But, whatever... |
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| all because of a stupid object... |
[Nov. 1st, 2011|10:35 pm] |
Blake called and asked me if I could set up my labtop for recording, so I told him I'd try and take it over to his place since he'd become so bent on it suddenly. I fiddled with the thing for an hour or so and realized that I couldn't get adobe audition installed on the computer, so I called him back and told him. We decided to just play music for the day since neither one of us was doing anything.
On the way over there, I started thinking about what I could do to turn us into a band, wondering who should be on which instrument and so on. I figured that with Blake it wasn't going to possible to convince him that he should stick to one instrument since he'd been going on about all these novelty things we could do as far as extra instruments go, so I thought I should probably figure out which instrument I would play. I sort of realized at that point that I'd been playing his instruments this whole time and so went on to think that it might help if I took my own equipment down there and left it just so they'd see how serious I was about it.
Overall, yet only in my opinion, we've got three people in that room who all seem to have absolutely no problem filling a particular spot - guitar, drums, etc. It seems like a good thing, but there's several problems. For one, Blake doesn't like my drumming, which is perfectly ok because I personally don't like his. So, with that in the air, neither one of us can play drums. Blake likes my guitar playing quite a bit, so that works out. On the same hand, I wouldn't mind one bit if he tried vocals. I have a lot of faith in him when it comes to vocals and I personally prefer it, just as he prefers me on guitar. All that leaves is Michael, who is extremely talented with guitar and told me personally that he wanted to collaborate more with that. It seems really perfect, but, even though he constantly sings, he hasn't shown any preference for vocals. I was thinking that taking my guitar over there would provide some sort of inspiration for the two of us to just take on a single instrument with this band. Bad Actor, we're called.
When I unloaded my equipment, things got kind of standoffish between Blake and I. For one thing, I noticed that I got ultra serious when I was playing, more so than I ever would behind another person's instrument. He made some comment about my amp, which I've just today realized is an odd source of attachment for me, and I made some really mean, cynical comment back to him. Thankfully, that didn't seem to affect my playing too much. In fact, I noticed that it was pretty good at that point. I must have wanted to escape the situation quite badly. Guitars are usually the best way to do that for me, but I found that it didn't quite settle things. In fact, it still hasn't as I'm once again just fed up before things have even begun to take off with this band.
I occasionally wish I could just turn my mind off sometimes. After all that, I decided that I wouldn't leave my equipment over there. I'm trying to find out why that is exactly. It wasn't that i didn't trust Blake and Ramsey or anything. I was just so put off at the fact that Blake immediately had to say something about my amp. There was actually a lot of history behind all that. The first time he'd heard it, he'd said that it sounded really good. Another time, he came over to my house with someone else, Tori Bohl, I think, and started commenting about how it wasn't loud enough, which I thought was totally ridiculous since that thing is occasionally too loud. I can even recall him saying something like that over the phone - "You want to play through that little bitty amp?!?" - something gay like that.
What he was actually saying about that amp was "That amp is probably better for recording.." Nothing mean, but I responded in a very mocking tone "yeah, hey, I got to comment on everything." I'll admit that was really gay of me, but I was thinking about all that when I said it, not acknowledging what he presently meant.
All this over an amplifier.
He seems to care about what sort of amplifier the guitars are going, through. I can't say I ever will as long as the thing sounds decent and is loud enough to go along with drums and it obviously is. Apparently, though, he likes to compare those things. Back then, it was about loudness, but he hasn't said anything about that recently - thank goodness, too. I still feel like he wants to, though, but I'm not sure if this is just all in my head since its very much dependent on the past.
Without pointing any fingers, we obviously need to get past something concerning our history as bandmates for several 3-month intervals. I guess Doug Bohn was right about how its kind of like having a girlfriend. |
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